New Year’s Day – 1999

I Love You.

After the closet incident at Your apartment,   I left for Toronto. Putting distance between us. Suppressing emotion. Rationalizing. Reading my journal entries from that time shows no sign of what had happened in December.  Everything was cold fact and reasoning. The fear that was in me shut out my affections for You. I didn’t understand it. On January 2, I wrote that You freed me from my promise and I don’t know what to feel.

I thought it was the end of our relationship.  It was like a flip of a coin. Joyful up until I stepped into Your apartment, then everything else but joy afterwards.

There was a sense of relief. Perhaps that You had finally stood up and made a decision. More likely the suppressing of my feelings removed anxiety as well. No anger. Sadness. The emotions were compartmentalized, but I could sense them.

On New Year’s, there were movies being shown on one of the seminary floors. I joined the group. After the movie was over, I sat and talked with a female resident until 6 in the morning. When I got back to my room, I saw that You had called me. Maybe a couple of times that night. I don’t remember calling You back. Perhaps I was angry at the push and pull. I didn’t know how I was suppose to behave if I really Loved You.

It wasn’t until my mom informed me that You had feared losing me to another girl in the dorm. I had incited Your fears by talking about her in a one or two of our phone conversations. My fault. I had felt so free talking to You that I was not aware that it would hurt You. That’s what triggered Your rage.

I must have called You back the next day. You were upset that I wasn’t there for Your calls. Angry that I called back so much later. Then I told You about talking to one of the female resident last night, You flipped again. I don’t remember the result. I was not following the expectations for true Love. My fault.

Apparently, You and I were still talking over the phone even though not in a committed relationship. Jan 12th, I wrote that I believe You are becoming stronger in being content and that little by little You will be able to grow and trust in God more and more. 

Not having an explicit commitment to You made me start thinking of myself being apart from You and with someone else. The idealized Christian woman. Ultimately, the best truth comes out as my last thought: I feel I must still remain faithful to You or else appear the jerk. Guess that is what I am now.

I see a pattern emerging. You feel insecure about us. You break up with me. I feel confused. Angry. My feelings of affection drop. I think I am free of commitment. I start exploring options rather than trying to win You back. Flirting with girls. Ignoring You. Making You fear that You will lose me. That is when You attempt to coerce me back. I come back. I start acting committed and seeing my world that way. However, the closer we come to getting jobs the more I start planning and seeing the future with You.

I think I am a jerk! You saw it too. This explains a lot about what happens over the next 7 years.

I thank God for letting me see this. It is a pattern of behaviour that I need to be aware of and retrain in order to properly follow Him and Love others.

I Love You, not in this immature way any longer, but in the way of real Love.

The Dark 1998

I Love You.
Everything seemed normal when I called. I went over the the apartment that You moved into during teachers college. May be You came over for Christmas that year. I remember embarrassing You the year that You did come. Probably the first and last Christmas You spent with us. Then I must have took You to Your apartment. You asked me inside. Your face changed.

Told me to sit in the closet.

Why? What is going…

Sssshhhhh!

You ordered me to sit. facing closet wall. Then the bag. You pulled a large drawstring bag out. Put it over my head.

Truth? Please, what ….

Sssssshhhh!

Tears were streaming down my face. You pulled the drawstrings tie around my neck. I didn’t resist. Legs folded. Hands in my lap.

You tied the strings. Shut the closet door. Turned out the lights.

I sat there crying. Confused. No explanation.

How long? I  inside, You outside.

You were crying.

Not for me.

Your pain.

You took the bag off. You instructed me to get out. I sat down and started putting on my shoes. Terrified.

Still not speaking. Tears in Your face.

Pain. Heart.

You slide the bracelet across the floor to me.

Breaking up? Again? Why?

We cried more.

Then You attempted to coerce me.

Shocked.

Why would You say that?

For me to accept would have been to use You in a place of vulnerability.

No.

For You to have said that I did not know if it was cultural or something You wanted. Seeing this moment now I understand that You were trying to keep me from leaving the relationship. Reinforcing my sense of obligation or sparking desire in me to pursue to have You back. You never have said, even once, that You want me to come back. If You had, I would understood.

I left with the promise bracelet.

Heartbroken.

Confused.

Fearful.

If You could do this to me,

what about our children?

If I had known the pain I was causing You …

If I had understood Your loneliness,

fear of rejection, extreme testing …

If I had understood not to take these things personally …

I would have held You quietly

and whispered in Your ear

It’s alright.

I won’t leave.

I Love You.

Controlling the Addiction

I Loved You yet my actions distanced myself from You.
I made efforts to reduce our physical intimacy carefully explaining how I wanted to honour You as we waited to be married. Didn’t send You many letters when You went away to missions in Japan. That was laziness on my part. You were upset.

Then when You returned, You discovered I was going to Tyndale in Toronto. Again upset.  We would be apart for 8 months, save holidays. I thought I was keeping You safe. Maybe from me. Perhaps from You self. We must have spoken on the phone almost everyday. Did You know that I looked so forward to our talks? I was doing well with my grades and I felt happy. About life. About us.

Didn’t know then what I am learning today. You were afraid of rejection. You feared losing me. Losing intimacy. Losing Love. Many things I had already done made You feel uneasy. Calling You, “my friend,” instead of “my girlfriend.” You talked to me about that and I listened. Sitting in apart from one another at church or ministry.

Then I came home for Christmas break.

And our world went psychotic.

You

I

Love

Irretrievable

I Love You. A difficult truth is being pressed upon me. That the culmination of our relationship on Earth has come to an end. I Love You and I do not want to give up hope. I had given up hope so many times before, yet there appeared to be more tries and opportunities. This time, however,  the golden coin has dropped irretrievably through the porch slats to the dirt below. To my horror, the dream has come to an end.

Yet my mind plots and schemes for a way back. There is none in this present condition. The path is sealed. The door is darkened. Accepting this is harsh and will take time. God holds that shut. I will not aim for it. Accepting that there will not be an opening of this relationship in the future, before our time has run its course is slightly more difficult. For I Loved You, and I Love You, and will Always Love You.

Soul Gazing

I Love You.

What an experience going to the Detroit zoo! You, Your brother, and I rode the bus up Woodward. First time for You in a mostly black population. It surprised us how friendly they were. Sitting eating lunch Your brother thought I was making fun because I squinted in the sun. It was so early into our relationship and I didn’t know how to treat You.

What about the DIA? Walking silently. Appreciating Van Goghs. Marble walls. Medieval acrylics. What did these artists teach You and I? Were our spirits mixed together like colours on a palette? Were we enraptured by Angelo’s sculpture? Or were we left to ponder the experience like Rodin?

Remember going to Greenfield Village? There was such peace about us. Less rush. Thoughtful meandering. Simplicity. Historical reenactments. Classic cars. Folks in 1800’s fashion strolling past. How did my Love speak to You then?

In case You have forgotten,

I Loved You.

The Longing

I Love You. You succeeded in ensuring that I would always think of You. Feel You. Love You. No matter what I thought I could do to distance myself from You, You will always be near me. Smiling pleasantly. Not in a malicious way as I imagined. You are pleased knowing that I think of You more highly than any other.

Now even in busyness I hold You. Long to be with You. Love You. You wanted me to stay. I wanted to stay. You pushed me away wanting me to pull You closer. I, fool that I was, thought I would have been selfish. Now everything is wrong. It is a heart felt need that I can bring You joy, not sorrow.

Will Christ intervene? Is my vision of a future reunion to be trusted?

I don’t know. I only know that I Love You and wish hold Your hand again.

White and Blue

I Love You. Though I am beginning to doubt it had what it would take to last. There was the white and blue blanket that I bought for You with the words:

Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

This was the Love You were looking for. I wanted to fulfill that Love to the letter. Dismayed that the opposite became real. Love? Do not say those words for my hypocrisy is exposed. And yet I do. I Love You.

My Puddle Valentine

I Love You. Only five weeks after meeting You in that IVCF classroom, and sometime before our dating, we walked to a house near UofW campus. You were wearing a light coloured dress and shoes that were soaking up the water from the sidewalk after the heavy rain.

There was a huge puddle that covered the sidewalk and the street corner. There was no way of walking around it as far keeping off the busy street. I offered to carry You. You refused. I did understand the reason. I imagine that I had broken some sort of cultural social rule. I kept trying. You refusing. Eventually, You climbed on my shoulders and I carried You over.

Looking back. Did I scare You into it? Three years earlier at Teen Missions it didn’t seem like a big deal. I hadn’t understood Asian social norms back then.

Yet You trusted me. You must have had great courage to do so. Wish I understood more.

At the house, there was a party, games, and a gift exchange. I ended up with Your gift without knowing it. A metal gold and blue pen with yellow and green leaves, and pink flowers. I am holding it right now. It feels like the left-over evidence of a life that was here and vanished.

I Love You and miss You.

When We First Met 1992

I Love You. I first met You in November.  My second year of university. I remember the room and shaking Your hand and being introduced briefly. I seemed to have forgotten that night, but You were always keen to remind me.

What I truly remember is meeting You for what seemed like the first time for me. In an IVCF meeting where we sat in school desks. I was excited to meet You. God just put it on my heart that way. Afterwards, You helped on my English project. We met every week so I could interview You on Your language learning experience.

We started talking on the phone. It turned into a daily experience that sometimes grandmother would have something to say to me about it.

I had been determined to stay single for my life, probably over a vow I had made or to avoid being hurt. You changed that. Initially the conversations were pleasant. After a few weeks I was really feeling my emotions  coming to the surface.

Could not think straight or maybe could feel better. I felt so awesome being with You that ignored the principles of courtship and asked You be my girl. Was that Love?

No.

That was self interest. While the joy I felt in being with You was Love, the decision to engage You more than friendship at that time was foolish. Love would have first looked to Your future and sought a course that would protect You from the dangers of relationship with less boundaries. Love would sought to honour You above my desires. No. This was not Love.

By acknowledging this truth, I now act in Love. I Love You for real.

The Breakups

I Love You. Given the power of breakup, You broke our relationship off 4 or 5 or 6 times.  Sometimes this lasted a week or two. I came back to You each time more wounded.

First time was after taking holidays in Taiwan. Did not know the reason. Parents? Me? A test? One of Your letters reminded me that we once had broken up for only a couple of hours. I just stood there and took it. Felt I deserved the pain. I thought that was Love. I gained no joy in those sacrifices. Perhaps I pleased You that I didn’t immediately run away, but kept talking to You every day. When we got back together, I assumed that perhaps You or Your parents didn’t like me and You were scared to breakup cleanly. I really did Love You.

Second time was about the ring You wanted. You described as a gold ring without diamonds. You did not tell me it was a wedding ring. Only found out at the store. Bought a more expensive bracelet, the promise bracelet. You were disappointed. You broke up for a couple of weeks. Found out long afterwards that You had told Cathy that You were going get the ring.

I really didn’t know You had your mind so set on it. I couldn’t understand why didn’t You ask for an engagement ring first? What were You going tell Your parents? We discussed it afterwards and resolved to get rings once I graduated with a job. I now believe that I should have got You the ring. You wanted it as a symbol of assurance that I would be there for You. You wanted Love. Didn’t I Love You? I Love You today.