Where Comes the Pride? — Sept 10th, 2003

I Love You. I was thinking back to the phone call a year ago when I had been trying to get us to meet.

Sept 10th, 2003

Again I am thinking about what prompted You to think I was being too proud on that Saturday a year ago. You mentioned it was the last part of the conversation that was proud. In it I had been surprised to hear that she was being paid a low rate at that private school in Markham. that surprised tone I took could have been interpreted according to the way some of her colleagues in Your environment talked. This would merely be a transference of what You had been used to onto myself. I mean, how proud could I have been earning $10 an hour. that’s what they paid me at Kumon 7 years ago.

It was honest surprise and shock that the person I thought had left me had done so because of something I could not change – my economic status. I can see that I may have been taken as pride, but I don’t believe it was pride.

The email, however, … different story. It probably exposed the central flow in me. Pride, which I hadn’t even known I needed to work on. The truth was all I needed. It is really too bad You decided to be dishonest with me. Still I feel as though I have been played like a pawn in some game of strategy to accomplish who knows what.

And at the time I thought the game was only a memory and all done. How little did I know. Yet having full knowledge now, I tell You, that I Love You, Truth.

—

pg 26 – Space for God – windows of insight. I note that the busy person is invited to fellowship with God does not accept the invite. I see that I am interrupting my Sabbath time with busyness. Try again.

Busyness that kept me from hearing God and kept me from attending to the hurts in my heart. Perhaps if it had not been for the course I was taking requiring me to dig into this material, I would have kept on being busy. This was the answer all along. If only I had found it sooner and stuck with it. This was the answer to keep me feeling and saying, “I Love You.”

Your Hidden Wound – Sept 9th, 2003

I Love You, Truth. Seeing the pattern of how You moved around and the reasons You gave, informs me that something was going on that was not normal. I didn’t understand then. I do now.

Sept 9th, 2003

The thing that’s got me thinking now is that You had a pattern of running away and rejecting people – people You considered to be too proud. Ran away from Taipei to go to school in Tiachung. After coming to Canada, girls decided not to like You and isolated You. You hung out with younger friends, Cathy and Amy. You moved to Windsor. But after coming to FGM, You didn’t want to go there after two years. You avoided the Chinese Alliance for a year. Stayed at PGT for 3 years. Then CAC for another year without me. Then to the Taiwan church for another year and left. What were You running from? You were wanting redemption in the form of marriage? …

No, I guessed wrong. That’s not why You wanted marriage. You wanted it as a security of acceptance.

Perhaps it will completely heal You or perhaps it will still continue to haunt You. I am not helping Your redemption process by remembering Your birthday. You want me to be a ghost, a memory, a past thing. Dead to Your knowledge.

You were open for me redeeming You but I spoiled it by trying to remind You of the joy I once gave You. That wasn’t what You had Your eyes on. Come Christmas it may not be wise to send You greetings, although it may flatter You. Honestly, I don’t think it would hurt that she is still thought of and Loved.

And You still are.

Another Attempt to Reach Out to You – Sept 8th, 2003

I Love You. This particular time continues to cause disturbances in my life. In spite of this, I managed to act.

I was only able to get to the middle of page 17 of Space for God. Basically, it talks about being an artist in being able to recognize and enjoy the details of life. Taking leisure instead of working in busyness. Being instead of doing.

T.S. Elliot says, “Endless cycle of ideas and action produces ignorance of the Word.” I do believe he is referring to the Word of God.

It seems I drifted off at the words “letting yourself go” and guess I did let myself go right back into today’s meaning: Your birthday. Have I struggled to send a simple birthday card. I’m dealing with the same garbage I always have been: guilt, rejection, shame. I’ve been carrying it around like all the time or at least whenever I am reminded of You, Truth, and I can’t get the heart to do the things I want to do.  If I had listened to my heart, things would have been much different. But as it stands I am again learning to listen to my heart. Yes, I sent a birthday email and it doesn’t matter if I receive a response or not. Only that I finally sent it.

Who am I kidding? It absolutely mattered if I could receive a response. It would have changed my life. I would have been encouraged to write or call more. Though it doesn’t look like I did. As You and I both know, this did not stop me. Why? Because I Loved You.

 

 

Your Response: Jan 12, 2003

This is the letter You sent me and I believed Your every word and I Love You for and in spite of some of the deception it contains.

12 Jan 2003

Hi,

You are forgiven 3 years ago… i am glad that you realize this… cuz it was very hard on me

when i was hurt instead of going to you or God about it… i let you run through me… i don’t think i need to say anymore about the pass… thank you for the letter…the phone number is still the same.

I would like to be your friend…. but only friends cuz i already found the one! and the one is not you… His name is ____________. He is my prayer answered and God’s gift for me… i am going to chereish him as long as i live

I am ecstatic with him…. and i love him so much that I would not trade him with anyone or anything…i would die for/with him if that’s the case… He treats with respect and genuine love and i will love him back the same way as he does…i don’t really know how else to express my feelings for him to you…

You have been a wonderful friend… i’ve learned to take a stand for myself… now i totally understand why every time i ask God about you and me… God always said, “Wait!” The waiting is definitely worthwhile…

There are many kinds of friendships: reason, season, and lifetime, and i would say your are a friend of seasons… thank you for the lessons that you’ve taught me… thank you

Truth

I didn’t understand then. I didn’t see what You were covering. Why You pushed back so hard. I didn’t see the lies. I believed You completely. Left me confused.

What to do with these feelings of Love? I see now and I Love You still.

Opportunity Squandered by Insensitivity: Nov 8, 2002

I Love You. I tried. Human effort.

Nov 17, 2002

Our relationship is completely over. I phoned her Nov. 8. She seemed good about meeting, but after a stupid email later regretted it.

So what happened. After the phone call, I was so happy that we were going to meet, I sent a stupid picture of myself making an absurd face. She thought I was being a jerk. My fault for not thinking enough.

This morning I was reminded of how I got into the relationship. …

I explained here how my heart began to soften towards her through daily contact. However, we got into obtaining things from each other using indirect means of communication.

I later wanted us to be together and relied on her to tell me how to do this.

This is not a mature response gents. Spiritually guided men should be making good decisions based on communication with our women. This means not being a wuss and leaving her in charge. It also means not being an unconnected dictator. As my life testifies, I have been in both places.

But after awhile I realized what I had been doing and attempted to stop. … Even though I took from her more than I was due …

I should not have thought I was “due” anything.

… I gain nothing I wanted. I began to see that we were manipulating each other. Each to the other in order to keep the other. I tried to stop myself. I can’t say I completely stopped but I tried where I knew I was doing it. [That is why I let her go because she wanted to go. If I had tried to change her mind through manipulation … then it would have been controlling and not loving. At the same time I allowed her to come back to me several times because to not have done so would have been unfair to her … and yes, I loved her.

It hurts. We became friends because I thought it best for her. We became “not friends” because I did not want to insist on my own way. But I did it because I loved her not because I wanted to do so.

Actually, the “not friends” part is entirely my fault and I did insist on having my own way. I hurt her by my behavior and words. I was also careless and not spiritual. I was upset by reactions I did not understand. Instead of taking a empathetic point of view I took the reactions personally, was hurt, got angry, and started to say hurtful things back. If I had the Holy Spirit filling me, then I would have been able to respond in not my natural way and been more empathetic. How I hurt her. I was wrong.

So it comes down to this: [Truth], I can’t tell you how i feel or how much you still mean to me. You made it clear that you do not want to hear it. That you don’t want to see me.

This seemed like the end, but I am not finished being ever more wrong. You were not finished ever twisting my mind and heart that I exposed to You.

Through it all, I Love You.

The Bomb – 2014

I Love You.

You woke me up at 3:25 this morning. Pressing my heart with Your nearness. Teasing my head with Your distance. Sweet nightmare.

Played board games at small group, then Saturday with friends and kids. In the middle of each game, everything seemed to slow down. In my soul, felt like an atomic bomb going off at a distance in black and white. Thummm!

Everything was gray. City structures blurred then obliverated. A dull haze of light gray hung over the ruins. The games were meaningless. The people next to me seemed miles away.

It was because You weren’t here playing with us. I remember You enjoyed Scrabble. Learning new words. Bought You a Scrabble dictionary.

Still the only words You needed were I Love You.

Opportunities Lost in Confusion – January 2000

I Love You.
After the final break up, You appeared fine for a while. We talked a few times on the phone. You came over and selected study material with me. I felt like we were finally going to be working as a team. I envisioned ministering together in the near future. Our time would soon arise.

Then when September came, You became more aloof. I remember trying to talk to You. Even though You did not communicate with me what was going on, You did offer hints that I didn’t pick up on.

Once You came to the fellowship intoxicated.  That move was an obvious ploy. It would have been a way for me to care for You and draw us back together. Ironically, that Friday was the first fellowship that the pastor told me I no longer needed to come. I only heard about it later.

Then there was a party that we attended at Amy and Kathy’s.  You told me You had a cellphone. I really didn’t take the hint that You wanted me to call You then. Can’t believe how dense I was.

There was this one moment when everyone of the students were coupled up and You and I were there. Yet there was no communication. Just coldness. I ran the 11 kms back to the dorm. I was really torn up.

Tried writing You letters:

It looks like You want to say something to me. Are You afraid to tell me? Why?

…

I often wonder how You could leave me so easily (or leave me like this) after all we have been through. How is it that You would prefer to live without me than with me? I blame myself. How could I have allowed You to leave so easily? Why?

Then I remind myself, it is because I Love You and want You to be happy. So if You have found another person who makes You happier then I am happy for You.

(Jan 2000)

I couldn’t give them to You. The lying thing did me in. You offered no support. I had no friends other than You there. Mar 9th I phoned the pastor told him I was leaving. The last thing I remember leaving there was the discussion in the basement. I asked if there was something wrong with me that I could change so that we could get back together. You said that I wore jeans too much. It didn’t make sense. I took it as real. Perhaps You were just deflecting from the hurt on Your inner soul.

Then after I left the church, we communicated by email and letters.  Unfortunately, I was too angry about all that had transpired. I hurt You again. Again with the anger. Deleted correspondence. Didn’t really help. Still Loved You. Still didn’t clue in. Didn’t know what to do.

I Loved You but didn’t know how to Love You

 

 

Love the Way You Lie – circa 2000

I Love You.

I Love You even though You deceived me.

We were working together at the Taiwanese church. We discussed a plan to separate into guys and girls groups for Bible study. That would have meant that we were going to meet together, just You and I, to discuss, develop, and plan the studies. Then when You lead the planning team, I was asked to remain outside. Not a problem I thought.

Then when they were done, the group continued as a mixed group. You told me that the group decided it that way.

However, 5 months later talking to Jasmine, she revealed that it was You who made that decision. I was devastated. For all that time You were lying to me. I confronted You about it. Angrily. I wanted to know why. All You had to say was “Can I go now?” I was crushed. How could I trust You? Was everything I knew about You a distortion of reality? And me. Was I Your plaything to be manipulated and controlled?

It was then I decided to leave the church that May.

I took me years to understand that You were only trying to keep us together. I was no longer angry, but by then the seed of distrust was planted that would be remembered on a later fateful night. You lied to me, but I still Love You, even though this is the beginning of the end.

I Love You.

I Love You.

Discipline Needed to Keep Steadfast – 1999

I Love You.

I wrote on May 4th about another girl at the dorm. As an after thought I found that I had established an emotional connection with a friend. You knew this from our conversations even though I was unaware. Did You recognize a similarity in her behavior and Your own? You knew she was a threat. Yet as long as You had Your bracelet, You had my commitment.

I wrote in my journal that the only thing that makes a difference between You and her was my commitment to You.  Man! How absolutely cold I sound. Zero emotions. Just hard fact. I feel sick  seeing how I shut my emotions off without consideration. You must have seen it. You must have felt it.

Yet further thoughts I wrote of factual reasons for maintaining my commitment to You. Respect for God. Witness to Your family. Example to others. Preserving my own self-respect and honour. All of these factors weigh into my decision to remain committed to You and to be more cautious in how I develop friendships.

I had all the right answers and yet my principles wavered in the midst of anger, fear and sadness. Had I spent more time in studying scripture, then I could have had the strength to be true. I saw this as far back as Aug 23, (99): the need of having better discipline as my next area of growth. Consistent devotion time, prayer time, and controlled meditation time. 

To Love You, I need to Love God more.

The Dark 1998

I Love You.
Everything seemed normal when I called. I went over the the apartment that You moved into during teachers college. May be You came over for Christmas that year. I remember embarrassing You the year that You did come. Probably the first and last Christmas You spent with us. Then I must have took You to Your apartment. You asked me inside. Your face changed.

Told me to sit in the closet.

Why? What is going…

Sssshhhhh!

You ordered me to sit. facing closet wall. Then the bag. You pulled a large drawstring bag out. Put it over my head.

Truth? Please, what ….

Sssssshhhh!

Tears were streaming down my face. You pulled the drawstrings tie around my neck. I didn’t resist. Legs folded. Hands in my lap.

You tied the strings. Shut the closet door. Turned out the lights.

I sat there crying. Confused. No explanation.

How long? I  inside, You outside.

You were crying.

Not for me.

Your pain.

You took the bag off. You instructed me to get out. I sat down and started putting on my shoes. Terrified.

Still not speaking. Tears in Your face.

Pain. Heart.

You slide the bracelet across the floor to me.

Breaking up? Again? Why?

We cried more.

Then You attempted to coerce me.

Shocked.

Why would You say that?

For me to accept would have been to use You in a place of vulnerability.

No.

For You to have said that I did not know if it was cultural or something You wanted. Seeing this moment now I understand that You were trying to keep me from leaving the relationship. Reinforcing my sense of obligation or sparking desire in me to pursue to have You back. You never have said, even once, that You want me to come back. If You had, I would understood.

I left with the promise bracelet.

Heartbroken.

Confused.

Fearful.

If You could do this to me,

what about our children?

If I had known the pain I was causing You …

If I had understood Your loneliness,

fear of rejection, extreme testing …

If I had understood not to take these things personally …

I would have held You quietly

and whispered in Your ear

It’s alright.

I won’t leave.

I Love You.