Christ as center – February 2003

I Love You. This entry seems to be circling the answer that would make me strong enough to withstand the tests You were to give me.

Feb 24, 2003, 1:43 am

I am moved by external situations. Music to motivate me to worship God or focus on him. How can I be more like Christ and be moved by internal personal way? Putting music in. Maybe memorizing, even reading scripture.

My internal landscape presently consists of You, Truth, and my past interwoven with my psychology and emotions. I need to force a new center of my life and it needs to be Christ.

Now I know that centering on Christ would also center on You. For the Love I feel towards You is from Christ.

Peace Letter Jan 22, 2003

With the Love I have for You, I wrote:

Hi Truth,

Thank you for your letter. Its words were the ones I really needed to hear. I understand much more clearly what my status is.

Seeing that you still have the same phone number can only mean one thing. That God directed me away from conversing with you that day and Jan 11^th. To explain further, when I attempted to phone I kept getting the same message: “This number is no longer in service.” I tried your number 2 or 3 times that day in Dec. with this result. Then on Jan 11^th as I was struggling to write the letter I tried again using a different phone, which did indeed have the correct number on its visual display – got the same result. The glory goes to God because this is statistically impossible without divine intervention. God was indeed directing me to write that letter specifically.

All this could not have been possible had God not directed me back to hear the word “pride” from you. It needed to be from you because I would not have understood everything that encompassed it. The truth has indeed set me free and I am truly grateful for God and your words.

Not that it matters at all, I would like to add in agreement that I am not the one. I am joyful in knowing that God has directed you to the one that you have been praying for. And, if I might add without taking any ownership in it, God has also answered my prayers concerning you and Roberto. I had prayed specifically for years that God would find you the guy that would be better than me. I cannot claim any ownership in it. It was the Holy Spirit’s prayer.

I am truly joyful that God has provided for you in this awesome way.

I have two requests.

Could I get your brother’s email address? God wants me to ask his forgiveness for the unfriendly way I treated him the last time I met him.

I also would like to give you something, that if it is all right with you. I want to give to you my 3 most favourite books, like a peace offering or a blessing, a form of appreciation, and a way of say what I can no longer tell you. I am asking because if this is of God then it would be alright with you. If it is all right, I would drop them off with your door security person. For my part, I cannot find any ulterior motive for wanting to do this except that these books, which have blessed me, might bless you and I want to reaffirm that blessing.

I don’t know how to tell you about them other than that two deal with science and God. “Beyond Dimensions” is a portrayal of God against the discoveries in the area of physics in the past 12 years. “The Genesis Question” is the best interpretation of science and the book of genesis ever. It is supportive of both and finds no contradiction between them. The third is “The Bondage Breaker” which is basically about the truth setting us free from whatever hinders us.

I believe you would find them quite useful and enjoyable, but I’d like you to decide if this would be ok.

The most difficult part (and the reason it took a little while to respond) was, and still is, coming to grips with being a seasonal friend. As I understand that as seasons come and go … so I guess it is required in this situation. I don’t have answer or a conclusion.

You say I was a wonderful friend … I am very touched in light of everything.

I am most glad that there is peace between us. I can be satisfied with that.

So I brought the books over and left them with the doorman of Your condo. I didn’t go up to see You even though the doorman recognized me and let me in. Why didn’t I go up? I wasn’t a courage then. I didn’t want to start something that You had stated that You didn’t want. That, of course, was untrue. You did want me to engage You. Yet I saw no other course to act in Love without selfishness.

Who does this? Only a person who truly Loves You.

Faerie Queene – 1999-2005

I Love You.

Even though You broke up with me and I agreed to walk with You as a friend for a while, I believed that I would be back. I had such great faith that I would return and be with You forever. I took one of my English textbooks, the Faerie Queene, and wrote a message on the inside cover. I have long forgotten the exact words I used. May be proof for when I return that my Love is True or something. Then I placed it on Your bookshelf without You knowing about it.

My intention was that when I finally proposed and we became engaged that I would retrieve the Faerie Queene and read You the words I had written. More specifically, I wanted be that knight in Book I, Redcrosse to You, my Una. Moreover I wanted to out do him and thereby win Your hand and trust. Ironically, it seems that over the 6-7 years we were apart, I faced the exact same trials. Of illusions of Your unfaithfulness. False rejection. Tricks to try and torture me into being unfaithful to You. I was not unfaithful.

Every time You rejected me, I was hurt. My self-esteem crushed. I asked forgiveness. You forgave then bite down hard. Tore my heart in shreds.

You said You found the perfect guy. I believed You. Went away dejected. Tried stopping the emotions that wanted to give You joy. Wandered. Wondered if some other I should Love. Each time I got close to another, You were there in those emotions drawing me back to You.

So I’d try again. You said You and Your guy were talking about having children. That line devastated me. It made me lose any idea of obligation. Only Love remained. Like Redcrosse, I was spiritually weakened.

By the time I called You in 2005, I was burned out. In need of kindness. But I rushed forward, ignoring God’s pleas to wait and prepare. Once in the conversation, everything was perfect for reuniting. Except my unprepared spirit fixated upon the one disturbing element of the whole pleasant and enthusiastic conversation. Like Redcrosse, I had come to distrust You. Distrust my own feeling for You. I left the conversation saying I would call back. However, I locked my Love away and proceeded on with my life in anger at what I perceived was manipulation and the wasted years staying single for You.

Like Redcrosse, I created a substitute in a Duessa. Sansjoy. Decision made with cold rationalization. Sansloy. Like Redcrosse, I was unfaithful to You and pledged my life to another. Sansfoy.

So similar is the story of Recrosse and Una to our own, I wonder if God will not make things work to complete our story like theirs. The conclusion of Book I brings Redcrosse and Una together where Redcrosse confesses his sin to Una and she forgives him. They are engaged.  It sounds romantic. However, our story is severely handicapped by some things not found in Book I.

Your extreme jealousy would not permit even the smallest infraction of faithfulness. How could You forgive me to the point of accepting my Love for You as genuine?

Your inflexibility does not allow Your mind and heart to change so easily through use of reasoning.

Your defense mechanism, denial, and Your use of anger to protect Yourself from displaying emotions of fear and sadness, effectively limit any access to the needed acceptance of me in Your presence.

Your fear of rejection will attempt to reject me first.

Your feelings of unworthiness will make You suspect ulterior motives for my approach.

The much needed face-to-face required for this sort of reconciliation is not easily gained without winning Your family and friends for support first.

Lastly, I am happily married. I will not break my commitment to my wife, least I demonstrate my existing Love for her foolish. Thereby proving my Love for You equally absurd.

The one thing that seems more than coincidence is who Una is allegorically representing. Truth! Yes, it is You.  Will God let this lie down and die? I cannot pretend to know.

Today I am at peace. Seeing the insurmountable barriers that would need to crossed now compared to 9 years ago, would take multiple miracles from Christ. If they are never overcome by God, then I will remain the dishonorable fool.

Yet I will be Christ’s fool and still say I Love You.

Downhill from There – 1999

I Love You.

I helped You move from Your apartment. You rented a huge truck and all Your boxes filled only the entire floor. I said something critical about how foolish that was. I hate myself for having said that. You needed to hear I Love You. Drove the truck to Your condo. Imagine, I have helped You move three times now.

Finally, we were back in the same city together. I had practiced running to Your condo from my dorm. 20 mins. I had finally reached a level of contentment and joy about our relationship and could see myself getting a job after my TESL practicum was finished. Then You would get my proposal.

About a month after You moved back, You broke up with me again. You didn’t want Your mom knowing that You were with me. I couldn’t call. Couldn’t meet nearly the whole summer.

I had trouble finishing the practicum because of the locations I chose. I didn’t get the job I was looking for. I was lost. So I applied for more study. What were You feeling? What were You expecting? How could we not communicate? For months this caused greater problems. My studies suffered. I was emotional unstable. I couldn’t figure out what I was supposed to do to fix this relationship. I needed Your help. Yet You wanted me to fight for Your attention. I didn’t see it. What a fool!

I miss You because I Love You.

New Year’s Day – 1999

I Love You.

After the closet incident at Your apartment,   I left for Toronto. Putting distance between us. Suppressing emotion. Rationalizing. Reading my journal entries from that time shows no sign of what had happened in December.  Everything was cold fact and reasoning. The fear that was in me shut out my affections for You. I didn’t understand it. On January 2, I wrote that You freed me from my promise and I don’t know what to feel.

I thought it was the end of our relationship.  It was like a flip of a coin. Joyful up until I stepped into Your apartment, then everything else but joy afterwards.

There was a sense of relief. Perhaps that You had finally stood up and made a decision. More likely the suppressing of my feelings removed anxiety as well. No anger. Sadness. The emotions were compartmentalized, but I could sense them.

On New Year’s, there were movies being shown on one of the seminary floors. I joined the group. After the movie was over, I sat and talked with a female resident until 6 in the morning. When I got back to my room, I saw that You had called me. Maybe a couple of times that night. I don’t remember calling You back. Perhaps I was angry at the push and pull. I didn’t know how I was suppose to behave if I really Loved You.

It wasn’t until my mom informed me that You had feared losing me to another girl in the dorm. I had incited Your fears by talking about her in a one or two of our phone conversations. My fault. I had felt so free talking to You that I was not aware that it would hurt You. That’s what triggered Your rage.

I must have called You back the next day. You were upset that I wasn’t there for Your calls. Angry that I called back so much later. Then I told You about talking to one of the female resident last night, You flipped again. I don’t remember the result. I was not following the expectations for true Love. My fault.

Apparently, You and I were still talking over the phone even though not in a committed relationship. Jan 12th, I wrote that I believe You are becoming stronger in being content and that little by little You will be able to grow and trust in God more and more. 

Not having an explicit commitment to You made me start thinking of myself being apart from You and with someone else. The idealized Christian woman. Ultimately, the best truth comes out as my last thought: I feel I must still remain faithful to You or else appear the jerk. Guess that is what I am now.

I see a pattern emerging. You feel insecure about us. You break up with me. I feel confused. Angry. My feelings of affection drop. I think I am free of commitment. I start exploring options rather than trying to win You back. Flirting with girls. Ignoring You. Making You fear that You will lose me. That is when You attempt to coerce me back. I come back. I start acting committed and seeing my world that way. However, the closer we come to getting jobs the more I start planning and seeing the future with You.

I think I am a jerk! You saw it too. This explains a lot about what happens over the next 7 years.

I thank God for letting me see this. It is a pattern of behaviour that I need to be aware of and retrain in order to properly follow Him and Love others.

I Love You, not in this immature way any longer, but in the way of real Love.

The Breakups

I Love You. Given the power of breakup, You broke our relationship off 4 or 5 or 6 times.  Sometimes this lasted a week or two. I came back to You each time more wounded.

First time was after taking holidays in Taiwan. Did not know the reason. Parents? Me? A test? One of Your letters reminded me that we once had broken up for only a couple of hours. I just stood there and took it. Felt I deserved the pain. I thought that was Love. I gained no joy in those sacrifices. Perhaps I pleased You that I didn’t immediately run away, but kept talking to You every day. When we got back together, I assumed that perhaps You or Your parents didn’t like me and You were scared to breakup cleanly. I really did Love You.

Second time was about the ring You wanted. You described as a gold ring without diamonds. You did not tell me it was a wedding ring. Only found out at the store. Bought a more expensive bracelet, the promise bracelet. You were disappointed. You broke up for a couple of weeks. Found out long afterwards that You had told Cathy that You were going get the ring.

I really didn’t know You had your mind so set on it. I couldn’t understand why didn’t You ask for an engagement ring first? What were You going tell Your parents? We discussed it afterwards and resolved to get rings once I graduated with a job. I now believe that I should have got You the ring. You wanted it as a symbol of assurance that I would be there for You. You wanted Love. Didn’t I Love You? I Love You today.