Opportunities Lost in Confusion – January 2000

I Love You.
After the final break up, You appeared fine for a while. We talked a few times on the phone. You came over and selected study material with me. I felt like we were finally going to be working as a team. I envisioned ministering together in the near future. Our time would soon arise.

Then when September came, You became more aloof. I remember trying to talk to You. Even though You did not communicate with me what was going on, You did offer hints that I didn’t pick up on.

Once You came to the fellowship intoxicated.  That move was an obvious ploy. It would have been a way for me to care for You and draw us back together. Ironically, that Friday was the first fellowship that the pastor told me I no longer needed to come. I only heard about it later.

Then there was a party that we attended at Amy and Kathy’s.  You told me You had a cellphone. I really didn’t take the hint that You wanted me to call You then. Can’t believe how dense I was.

There was this one moment when everyone of the students were coupled up and You and I were there. Yet there was no communication. Just coldness. I ran the 11 kms back to the dorm. I was really torn up.

Tried writing You letters:

It looks like You want to say something to me. Are You afraid to tell me? Why?

…

I often wonder how You could leave me so easily (or leave me like this) after all we have been through. How is it that You would prefer to live without me than with me? I blame myself. How could I have allowed You to leave so easily? Why?

Then I remind myself, it is because I Love You and want You to be happy. So if You have found another person who makes You happier then I am happy for You.

(Jan 2000)

I couldn’t give them to You. The lying thing did me in. You offered no support. I had no friends other than You there. Mar 9th I phoned the pastor told him I was leaving. The last thing I remember leaving there was the discussion in the basement. I asked if there was something wrong with me that I could change so that we could get back together. You said that I wore jeans too much. It didn’t make sense. I took it as real. Perhaps You were just deflecting from the hurt on Your inner soul.

Then after I left the church, we communicated by email and letters.  Unfortunately, I was too angry about all that had transpired. I hurt You again. Again with the anger. Deleted correspondence. Didn’t really help. Still Loved You. Still didn’t clue in. Didn’t know what to do.

I Loved You but didn’t know how to Love You