I Love You, Truth.
After I met You that July, I recall emailing You. I do not know what I said. I recall only Your response that I was “the same.” I never knew what that meant. Was it my Charlie Brown shirt I wore that day? I got rid of it soon after because of Your comment.
Perhaps You were thinking that I was on a date with my colleague from the church. I had no idea. Still don’t. I didn’t record anything in my journal. And every time I thought we were finished, I deleted correspondence. It was just too painful to think about. Every time I made efforts to speak to You, You shut me down, criticized me, and generally made me feel awful. I accepted it. I believed You.
Instead of journaling about You, I buried my feelings. Locked them up. In doing so I started thinking about for a practical relationship with someone else, though I never mention Love. It is reasonable to assume that I did not trust emotions to lead me and chose rationality. Instead, I thought of 3 choices:
July 21
1. Do nothing. Remain fixed on my path and responsibility.
2. Express openly the undercurrent affections in order to perceive where the relationship is going.
3. Do not express verbally my affections to that girl, merely express through actions.
These choices are not mine to choose. Whatever God has in store is much better than my thought.
Not long afterwards I decided to remain single.
July 23
I will maintain my supposed direction. It is best solid measure of the kind of life I expect to follow. … Being more directed would be helpful. … Being without a distinct vision is probably worse and a contributing factor.
While I had honestly given up hope for You, I remained single because my heart was not resolved in this manner. Even though I was too stupid to realize it, I really Love You.
Daily Heart's Breath 